Books I’m reading right now.
During the holidays Invisible invited their authors (my book’s here) to submit their reading resolutions for 2020 as a way to kick off the new year. I agonized over this simple question so long I didn’t send them anything in time, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
I usually only set myself one reading goal, which is to read the books I already own. Years ago I tried the 95 Books reading challenge and it sort of made me feel burned out on reading. I’m a slow reader and I had to rush through books or deliberately read thin books I wasn’t that jazzed about to make my numbers. At the time I spent about 1.5-2 hours on the bus or metro every day and to keep up with the schedule I had to read on transit. It was ok but at a certain point I got sick of that too… I prefer reading in a more private and chill setting so I can sink into the experience and not worry about paying attention to how close I am to the Acadie station. I do remember having some fun trying the public library summer reading challenges as a kid but I struggled to meet the big goals there too due to my slow reading. When I was in undergrad my mom got me a computer program to help train me to read faster and it worked, thank goodness, but when reading for pleasure I still like to read at a moderate speaking voice pace.
So anyway I don’t usually set a reading numbers goal. This year once again I’m re-dedicating myself to reading the books I own, but moreover, just to reading at all. My partner reads a lot, in an ever increasing volume, and it’s made me realize just how little I’ve been reading lately. This has led me to realize that there are two main reason I haven’t been reading a lot of books and magazines lately—my phone, and making stuff.
I read articles on my phone frequently but I also do a fair bit of mindless scrolling and social media refreshing. Strangely I find reading even long-form stuff on my phone isn’t as satisfying as reading something printed. I have no idea why.
Like most people I also have limited free time. With so many art projects and writing projects on the go I notice I am often working on those at the very time that my partner is reading a book late in the evening, a time of day I used to relish reading.
Getting away from the phone is it’s own thing and one I’m always trying to balance out in a way that feels right. I like a lot of stuff on my phone so I’m not going to write it off wholesale (I’m writing this on my phone right now!), but I can try to put it aside more to give me more time for physical print media.
The matter of balancing time spent writing and making stuff is a bit more complicated. I have to first give myself the space to not be getting something done. I feel like the accelerated speed at which I’m doing projects is still an after effect of grief. Life is limited, I have no idea how long I’ll be here, and these projects I’ve been doing for ten years—I feel like it matters to me that I finish them at some point during my time on earth. So easing off that thing of always getting something done is complex, because it’s not that pathological—I love making stuff and writing and it feels good. I just have to keep it in balance. And I’d like to balance it with time for reading, which isn’t only immediately enjoyable but which really should also be part of my being a writer. Reading is inspiring and restorative to my writing, so I can view time spent doing it as a productive part of being a writer and artist, the way I’m trying to see stretching and going to bed on time as part of being a writer and artist.
But to loop back a bit—I think I need to privilege non-productive activities more. I have always loved reading, but now that I’m several years out of being in school reading is essentially non-productive… non-productive but certainly not pointless. Accepting that it’s worth doing something just because it makes me happy and has no other purpose at all either for myself or others close to me or society as a whole is… kind of challenging. It’s challenging from a grief perspective and from a current moment in history perspective. But if I’m trying to learn anything from the process of grieving it’s that being kind to one’s self, to myself, is remarkably challenging. You can think you’re being pretty gentle with yourself and then realize that’s absolutely not the case when you dig down. Like, I feel guilty for leisure reading when we live in turbulent times, turbulent time that indeed often have a direct impact on my life these days. I feel guilty for leisure reading when one day I’ll be gone and have all this stuff I want to make. I feel guilty for leisure reading when I haven’t answered all emails or done all chores. I don’t want to overstate this feeling of guilt, but it’s there, and it does guide the choices I make.
So my reading goal this year is to read books and some magazines. To read the ones I already own because I own them because I thought I’d really really like them. That’s it. I might only read a couple books this year because when leisure reading I like to read slowly. If I don’t like a book I start after all I’m giving myself permission to stop when I realize that and to start read a different one. My reading goal this year is to allow myself to be unproductive and to enjoy my life and to not always feel a little bit guilty no matter what I’m doing. My reading goal this year is just to allow myself to read, to be absorbed into a book I like. To feel like I did when I was little and would and could give myself over completely to experience of reading. My reading goal this year is to let myself be happy.